| I can't help but feel biased when it comes to my groups of friends. It's kind of sad and really pathetic, but even though my LA friends never invite me to anything anymore and we hardly ever talk, I continue to love them no matter what. I don't know if I choose to ignore the pain I feel or if I honestly don't feel any because I'm just so over it. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am here and they are there and nothing will change and nothing will most definitely go back to the way it was. As far as the people I've met here, namely at school. That situation is so complex in itself. Things are never gray, they're always black and white. It's like I've got my friends and then I've got my enemies. I've got the people that love me and I've got the people that hate me. I've got the people I love and I've got the people I hate. It just hurts a lot to remember the ONE time that Michele, Courtney, and Lisa and I actually hung out. Moreso with Lisa just because her and I talk so much about hanging out but never do (haha). It also hurts to remember the one time Michelle and I hung out just because we talked about so much. I don't think I could've learned so much about a single person in the few hours that we sat on her bed listening to music. I'm sure a bunch of people are getting extremely irritated and annoyed at the fact that I always bring this up, but I just really want to be honest, for once. I don't care if I'm wrong anymore because it's not really what's important. Above all, I think coming clean and honest will help me and maybe even them:
Girls. Hah, since the first time I saw you girls last year I always wanted to talk to you. I was so intimidated by all of you because you guys had already established your circle of friends and I didn't want to come between that. That, and also the fact that for some weird reason I was really shy when I moved here. Anyway, I talked to Courtney first on pirate day because she liked my shirt and she liked my pirate earrings. I remember how weird and awkward things between her and I would be. When I would walk with her in the hall I would just get this vibe, and I know she felt it. It wasn't a mean or bad vibe, it was just an akward vibe. I was so thankful for the day when we were able to walk side by side with each other and not feel any awkward vibes at all-- but good, friendly ones. And she knows what I'm talking about, as I wrote it in her yearbook. I guess I was able to get into Lisa next because of Gary and Zach. Ahhh, Lisa is most definitely my favorite one because she has such a kindhearted and simplicity to her. She's so ignorant of hatred and everything evil in life and it makes me so happy. Because she deserves only the best feelings in the world. I remember when I complimented her cheer socks because I had the same ones, but not in green, mine are in burgunday. I remember when we went ice skating but it didn't last long because we didn't know how to ice skate and it was kinda cold. I also remember how I went over to your house with gary and we played mario kart, haha. Anyway, this between you and I started to grow at the beginning of the year, with the letters and all, but then it stopped for obvious reasons. I would just take the blame and say, "IM A DUMBASS AND A BITCH" but honestly, Lisa. I just felt like I was giving you more than you deserved. Well, you deserve everything and the best and I tried to give you my friendship but I felt like you didn't really care. As far as Michele goes. AAHHHHH. Now you and I have been through so much informally, haha. Between all the "she said, she said" bullshit last year, haha. I was almost sure we would never be friends. But when you text messaged me to ask if we wanted to hang out, that meant so much haha. And even now, when i randomly text message you to ask how you stayed in love for so long, haha, it's just an overall random relationship you and i. but you're sucha cool girl and i know we didn't talk much that one time we hung out, and i know my "left-right-left" game in lisa's car was cut short, so we should really catch up on that. Now, my favorite. The first vision I have of you when I could actually call you my friend is the picture of you wearing the green shirt and you're smiling. I also remember the time that you posted my baby picture and thena picture of me and called me beautiful. And you even gave me your password to fix it when the picture was showing a little red X. I remember our talks about having to go see a therapist. Seriously, you and I are so much more alike than what we'd like to give each other credit for. Which is why I think that's a nother reason why we butt heads so much. Anyway, you and I were always very cordial to one another and i felt like senior year we were actually becoming friends. i'd give you advice about your hair and you even agreed when i offered to cut it. i love the little compliments id get you from you daily about my hair. frealz. they made me feel special, haha. this past summer i learned so much about you and i felt such a strong bond with you. i guess our feelings are only as strong as we make them, or as far as we tell the person because theyll never know. eh, i guess you felt differently. anyway, after the whole fiasco with holly (and i still dont hold ANY bad feelings to her to this day. the whole situation was lame because i thought she was talking about me when she was talking about casey, and im sorry holly) any chances of a continuing growing friendship just deteriorated. i just find it all so ironic because i got a xanga for you and you got a livejournal for me and now we don't even talk.
well, the point of this post wasn't to try and make people feel bad or anything, it was honestly to just be honest with myself. i feel like all i've ever wanted from you girls was a stable friendship and the fact that it's so off-and-on with us (like one minute we hang out, the next minute we dont even talk) just kinda hurts. i like all of you girls and i like to tell myself i don't because it's just so much easier to get by that way. but deep in my heart, not even deeply, just in my heart, i do admire all of you guys and you girls are all awesome. i just feel like you guys don't want me.
i only wish we could've grown closer.
and now i'm scared to see what kind of reaction i'm going to get. |
